Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
