i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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