Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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