i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
