And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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