he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Did we literally take a cab across the street
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
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