On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Come back. Shots need mouths.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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