Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize