oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
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i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
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they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet