Babe...You're really smothering me right now
seriously i just wanna be friends
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
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Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
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Happy you have kids and I don't day!
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.