White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I understand Curling. That high.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
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We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
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EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.