Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
