So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
Come see our sink grown plant.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize