i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
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