Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Randomize
