and next time when you feel me up, do it right
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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