thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
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The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
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We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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