I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
