i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
