I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
