i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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