Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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