please come you make the beer taste better
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
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What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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