I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
