He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
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