i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
