I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Randomize
