Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
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I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
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