I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize