70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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