nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
