And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Randomize
