YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
