Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
