I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
