i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
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