I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Randomize
