she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Randomize
