seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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