Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
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