Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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