I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
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