i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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