just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
