That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Randomize
