I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
