I faked an abortion last night.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
