I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Randomize
