Got a toothbrush?
This house was built for laser tag.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize