i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
