I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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