I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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