he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
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