Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
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I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
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