yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
i need some magic done to my vagina
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Randomize
