I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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