He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
