also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Randomize
